I started to write about my most recent therapy session, and this strange, protected, grey middle ground I have kept myself in for years to avoid doing or feeling anything challenging, but it didn’t feel quite right. I got confused, and couldn’t remember which part of the metaphor meant what. I understood everything perfectly during my session, and really felt that I was getting things across.
Now, though, it’s a bit jumbled. The understanding I am starting to gain is definitely helpful, but trying to make sense of it is very hard. I know that there are a shit ton of feelings that I have hidden from for what seems like forever, but I’m struggling to place how these fit into my life, into the way I shelter myself, into the things I have and haven’t done.
A fairly prominent example of what I’m trying to express is my therapist being concerned that if things aren’t working or making sense for me, I won’t tell him. I’ll just go along with it because it is what I am ‘supposed’ to do, and he must know what’s right. That I won’t let myself have an input, I’ll just do what’s expected, and will end up having exhausted my sessions but being none the wiser.
He is concerned about this as we spoke about how I’ve kept myself very much in the ‘middle ground’ throughout life, not daring to do or feel anythingย very negative, or even very positive. I have kept myself in my lane, we don’t need to do anything else, just get your head down and carry on. I wonder what would have happened to my life if I wasn’t like this? The risks I might have taken, the things I might have said or done, the opportunities I may have missed. My dogged resistance to anything that may stray from my intended path lead him to ask whether I would shy away from these feelings, or maybe a sense of confrontation, if I didn’t feel things were working.
It’s hugely frustrating to feel that there is a wealth of knowledge and learning out there, just within my grasp, that I can’t quite get hold of. It’s disappointing to me that, apparently, after just one discussion I am already eschewing any of this sense. Perhaps I’m struggling to remember it on purpose. Maybe I don’tย want to hear it.
What to write about, though, when the deep depression has subsided? What to write about when my feelings and thoughts currently seem as though they’re in someone else’s hands, as though I left them in the therapist’s office? I don’t feel ‘better’, I don’t feel ‘okay’, but I don’t know what I do feel, and I don’t know where it’s gone.
I feel, today, disconnected from any of the things I wanted to write about. I have a long list of topics I could blog about, but I just stared at them. None of them felt right, and I couldn’t relate to them. I don’t care about any of them. I don’t seem to be able to access that little spark in my brain that allows me to write creatively about them, and instead I am stuck, not with writer’s block, but with a sense of unease and frustration. A sense that I can’t and will never be able to claw back my thoughts and feelings from the depths of therapy. Have they gone forever now I’ve allowed them the light of day? Have I done them, and myself, a disservice, an injustice, by sharing them with someone else? Will I be stuck this way, now, allowing someone else access to my tired, frightened brain? Have I given up myself?
This probably doesn’t make an awful lot of sense to the reader, and for that I apologise. I just don’t really know what to do with myself. I thought I would have creative juices flowing, that I’d be able to articulate this really interesting, useful discussion I had this morning, but I can’t. As a very anxious person, I naturally worry that I will never be able to, that it will float just out of my reach.
My therapist told me I appeared composed today, and it wasn’t until he said that that I realised I actually felt really fucking unpleasant inside. I was horribly anxious. I’m just so used to pulling that mask down, I didn’t even know I’d done it. That realisation led to some very important sharing, but now, it feels like everything I said was trapped in a Harry Potter-eqsue prophecy, a glass bubble; when we smashed it to discuss it, everything floated away.
It’s an uncomfortable feeling. I understand now how difficult recovery is going to be, and how much it is going to require me to change, even if I can’t currently articulate it. It’s equally uncomfortable to realise that I’ve dedicated myself to writing openly about my mental health, and now it feels as though I don’t know how.
I’m sure this won’t last, this uncomfortable agitation. I’m sure I’ll be able to process and make sense of things eventually. We did talk about quite a lot, and it might take a while to sink in, I suppose. It’s interesting, objectively, and I wonder how many others feel like this? A little lost, and as though I’ve broken some sort of sacred bond by daring to acknowledge how my thoughts and feelings have been working (or not), and now that is gone forever.
The message from my discomfort is, perhaps, that healing is not always easy. It’s not a light switched that’s being flicked on. We are required to acknowledge and process things that we aren’t qualified to do – I mean, that’sย their job, right? These therapists? I know that my discussion today will help enormously – I could see understanding dawning on the psychologist’s face, and I was pleased with my articulation. It’s just strange to now have that turned down, and to worry that I won’t be able to recall it when I need to.
I worry about the potential emptiness that will be left behind; once these harmful thoughts and feelings are changed or removed, will there be any time to help me access the more helpful ones? What if I’m just left, like a shell, unable to access the positives that lie within my reach, but without my protective tunnel vision?
I’ll be free, human, exposed. Evidently, I don’t quite know how to deal with that.
Perhaps you don’t, either. Perhaps none of us do. All I can do is reassure myself – I am doing the right thing, and I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I have spent my life avoiding things that are hard, and I can no longer do that. Neither can I continue to cling to things that are not serving me. The space in between these, this middle ground, is daunting.
I’m not quite sure how to sign this off – I want to be encouraging, but equally, I needed to voice these strange new sensations. All I can say is, if you’re feeling the same, if things are changing and you don’t understand, keep going.
I will, if you will. Oh, and if I eventuallyย do make sense of what I was saying today, I’ll definitely write it down. I have a feeling it might be useful; strange, yes, but useful.
My goal is to fill in those spaces that the broken programming has filled, with something a little more useful. Self – esteem. Balance. Self care. And it is superbly weird to realize that not only are you not the only one who feels kind of vulnerable without these coping mechanisms, you’re also not the only defaults to a neutral stance when things get difficult. It’s all new territory – give yourself time to adjust to it.
So very wise, as always! Thank you
Awww! Thanks. Just be patient with yourself. ๐
I can relate in some ways. After my counselling session the other day, I felt really confused. During it, everything was making sense and I knew what I was being told was logical. I had it in my head I would write about it when I got home. Yet, when I got outside and started walking home, I felt a bit lost and everything got a bit blurry. By the time I got back to my flat, my head seemed one giant mess and I didn’t feel capable of writing anything, let alone about the experience earlier. So, I just wanted you to know, you’re not alone with these feelings. I know it’s frustrating, but I do hope it will be worth it eventually. ๐
Thank you! I think it’s always worth it, and these things take a lot of processing. I suppose it doesn’t make sense that after years of thinking a certain way I would suddenly be able to understand and accept exactly why without having some time to actually sit with it first!
You are such a great writer, the way you are able to speak out your mind so freely and with such sincerity is amazing. I am going through anxiety and depression and I have nobody else apart from my therapist that understands. I have been yearning to have someone or people who understand and who would say they know what I feel without meaning it as a catch phrase to make me feel betterโฆ Itโs extremely hard. I donโt know how to let it out to the world how messed up I feel inside. Your writing helps me feel connected to you hoping it doesnโt sound weird but I am able to feel happy that maybe I am not as alone in this pit of darkness on my own and I can learn something from you to help me pick myself up.
Thank you so much for reaching out. I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this, it’s really difficult and it can be so hard to get people to understand. You are definitely not alone. Everyone’s experiences are different, but you are absolutely not on your own. I’m so glad you can relate to my ramblings! If you learn anything from me I’d be honoured, truly. Using writing to get things out of my head does help, and it sometimes means I’m able to figure out how to explain things to other people as well. I wish you lots of luck on your journey and I am always here if you have anything you want to talk about ๐
Thank you so much for even replying… I now feel anxious because I don’t really know where to start when talking to you. I feel like I have to counter check all my thoughts and actions before even putting them into action.I would really like to be your friend if it’s not being outta line. My need to have someone who understands me and one I could relate to and feel free with would be awesome. I am Kenyan from Africa. If you also ever wish you to talk about anything and open up, this is my no.
Don’t worry – there’s no pressure at all. I understand about checking yourself, I think it’s something a lot of us go through. Don’t rush yourself, the words will come and I’ve seen your blog, you can definitely express yourself that way ๐ I hope you don’t mind but I removed your number from your comment so you any old person can’t get hold of it, I wouldn’t want it to fall into the wrong hands. I don’t know if you use Twitter, but I have found there to be a lot of really nice, supportive, understanding people there who all deal with mental health issues. I’m @seedsinthewaste on there and I’m sure you’d find a lot of other people as well.
Yeah I am on twitter too… I once put up a thread concerning what I was going through. I don’t know if I am handling things all wrong because I don’t seem to really work well on my own that’s why I am looking for a support group even if it’s one person. I don’t know if I should quit trying to look for people who understand and try figure this out on my own. I am just in a jumble of my own mind right now. I will definitely link you up on twitter. Thank you again so much.
Don’t give up, you will find people, it’s awesome how many people there are online, but less so how few there seem to be in real life. If you haven’t yet spoken to a doctor that might help as well ๐
I am grateful for all the advice you have offered and even taking your time to read and reply to me. I appreciate that immensely. I am seeing a therapist who is of great help to me. I am slowly learning to take baby steps in recovery
That is great to hear! Baby steps are what it’s all about. I still have no idea what I’m doing half the time. We’ll get there ๐
We sure will ๐
Youโre such an inspiration โค๏ธ
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