Please note that this post includes information and discussion of sexual assault that some readers may find distressing.
Come in, come in, Sorry we’re running a little bit late. Have a seat.
Shut the door behind you.
I think it’s time we had a little chat, don’t you?
It’s 2019. Women have, although not universally, the right to vote. To own property and businesses, to have financial independence. A mere 28 years ago, it was finally decreed that yes, actually, it is illegal for you to force your wives to have sex with you. Imagine!
Things are looking up a little. It’s been a long, uphill battle, and whilst you may lazily assume that our ability to leave the house unsupervised equates an even playing field between the sexes, it’s far from it. When was the last time you spoke to a woman you know and asked what it’s really like being a woman in 2019?
I ask because whilst on paper things appear to be heading more towards gender equality, the everyday lived experience of those who identify as women, is still littered with unpleasant interactions with men at best, and at worst, constant, fraught danger.
Welcome! Please check your privilege
I wonder if you actually realise you’re doing it? Do you fully understand what it’s like for you, particularly straight, cis, white men, to walk around holding more innate privilege than anyone else on the planet? It’s so ingrained into our culture and socialisation that your awareness seems unlikely. But you aren’t willing to learn, either, are you?
Much as, being a white person, it’s my duty to listen to, understand, and allow space for people of colour, so is yours to listen to women. You’ve been the overbearing, belligerent voice in this conversation for too long.
Ignorance is no longer an excuse, because we’ve been saying it for quite some time. There are so many things to tell you, like, you know, please stop murdering, raping, and beating us. Did you know, for example, that we don’t even like walking around on our own after dark (and sometimes before)? Are you aware that large groups of you make us feel extremely uncomfortable, regardless of your age? When you meet a man for the first time, do you wonder if he’s ever sexually assaulted or harmed anyone? We do. All the time.
Not all men?
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. It doesn’t matter if you nor anyone you know has committed an act of violence towards women – although I will hasten to add that you probably know more perpetrators than you realise. It may not be ‘all men’, but it is all women. Did you think of that?
No, not all women have been the victim of violence or harassment from men. We are all, however, constantly aware of its threat, wondering if or when it might happen. That’s why we use blanket phrases, such as ‘men are trash’, when yet another man does something ridiculous, disgusting, or dangerous. It’s not a personal affront to you. We’re scared, and we’re tired of it.
The actions of not all men affect all women. That’s a fact, and I’m going to say it again: the actions of not all men affect all women. Some women may not even be conscious of it, but it’s drilled into us from such a young age not to go out alone at dark, to watch our drinks, that ‘boys will be boys’.
I tweeted something to this effect recently, and was met with some derision. I was surprised to encounter a ‘not all women’ parade, where I was derided for ‘speaking for all women’. Okay, so we don’t visibly quake or burst into tears at the mere sight of a man. I refuse to accept, though, that there are women out there who have never considered the consistent and significant threat that men pose to our very existence. I don’t buy that some women aren’t scared, or have never been.
When we worry about someone breaking into our houses as we sleep, what does that perpetrator look like? If we’re scared of walking alone at night, why is that? Who are we scared of?
Maybe some people haven’t joined the dots, but I stand by my assumption that as women, men have us on our guard even if we don’t realise it. Someone, in response, asked if it was more to do with the uncertainty, the threat, but not knowing exactly who the threat was.
That’s a great way to frame it. We might not be scared of every man we meet, but we know that there’s a threat, We just don’t know where it’s coming from.
Thinking on that, then, don’t take it personally when a woman calls you out for something. Listen to her, and remember to do better in future. Whether you’ve ever directly violated a woman’s space or not, your passivity is part of the problem. Why is it always us telling you to behave? Why aren’t you saying it to each other?
Consistent and present danger
An example of the consistent and present danger of which we’re aware that you may not be: in the year ending March 2017, 3.1% of women and 0.8% of men aged 16 to 59 in the UK were thought to have experienced sexual assault in that time. Overall it’s estimated that 20% of women and 4% of men in the UK over 16 have experienced sexual assault. Women were more likely to be assaulted by a partner or ex-partner than anyone else.
The way we go on about it, you’d think it was 100%, wouldn’t you? The experiences of those women and men, however, ripple through us all. We don’t share their individual pain, but we do share that common wariness, the inherent distrust.
The nuance of experience
The figures above notably don’t include children, nor does it identify the most common perpetrator. Anecdotally, though, as I’m sure you might realise, the answer is men.
Again, I’m not saying that people who aren’t men aren’t capable of terrible things; they are. You can (and should, when context allows) argue as much as you like about male victims of assault and domestic violence, but the figures speak for themselves. It is far more likely that a woman will be the victim and a man the perpetrator.
Another handy hint here is, when you jump into a conversation about assaults on women with ‘But it happens to men, too!’ you’re actually decentering the argument from women and focusing it back onto men. I’ve never engaged in a conversation where anyone has tried to deny that male victims exist. The conversation is usually representative of the innate and ongoing fear that women have of men, which I’m sorry to say, you don’t have of each other nor of women.
To reiterate: male victims are important, and chronically unheard. It’s great that so many of you seem to understand that, so why don’t you understand it when we talk about it? Is it because it happens to us so much we’re just supposed to, what, get used to it?
Aggression towards women doesn’t always come in the form of physical or sexual assault, either. That might be a bit of a mind-blower for you; ‘I’ve never raped anyone, I’m a good guy!’ Wrong. Sorry, my guy, but you don’t get a medal for engaging in the basic human decency of not attacking women. Nor do you get a prize or any recognition for being nice to a woman. It’s just normal human behaviour. Stop expecting rewards for things the rest of us do without question.
“But I’m a nice guy!”
You ever hear of the ‘friend zone’? It’s where men (typically, but not exclusively) say they end up when they try to woo a woman but she isn’t interested. Instead, they are relegated to being merely friends. Quite why a woman would want to remain friends with a man whose sole interest until that point was to sexually pursue her I don’t know, but never mind.
Your reward for being a decent human being is not a woman. We are not prizes for you to earn by displaying good behaviour. Either we like you or we don’t. The friend zone does admittedly work both ways, but I think what we all need to remember is that it is perfectly legitimate not to want to sleep with someone just because you get on or they’re nice to you.
I was ‘friend zoned’ when I was eighteen. Do you know what I didn’t do? I didn’t leap onto Facebook, Instagram, or Reddit to complain about how nice I was to this person only for them to cruelly reject me. I dusted myself off, actually remained friends with that person, and went about my life. The end. That’s all that needed to happen.
Further, women ‘friend zoning’ men might come from a different place: fear. Maybe we want to let you down gently because we’re scared of what you’ll do if we flat out reject you. Dependent on our relationship to you, declining romantic interests can be difficult. I mean, even strangers on the internet or at a bar can’t take a hint.
Have you ever pursued a woman just a little too hard? That’s an act of aggression. It’s unpleasant and violating. If she’s said she’s not interested, why do you carry on? Why does it take, for example, a woman to exasperatedly make up a boyfriend for you to leave her alone? Why do you value his ‘property’ over her actual feelings?
Of course there are distinctions here, and we can all get a little carried away with an exciting new crush or whatever. The difference? A ‘no’ from a man is just that. We back off, cringe our way through telling our friends, and move on. A ‘no’ from a woman, though, what does that mean to you?
No means no?
A recent example. I was talking to a gentleman online who seemed nice enough at first, but it didn’t take him long to express his interest in me sexually. Wonderful. There’s expressing an interest, though, and then there’s this guy. I flat out told him on more than one occasion that it wasn’t going to happen, which he’d seemingly accept but then always find a way to bring the subject back up.
After the rebuttals, sick of being ignored, I laid it down for him in plain English. I don’t know you. I don’t want to meet you. NO. If that’s all you’ve got to talk to me about, move on. He explained his intentions, apologised, and we agreed no hard feelings. I offered some advice: ‘If someone repeatedly tells you no, don’t keep bringing it up’. I hear you, he says.
Moments later: ‘I still want to kiss you, though.’
Sorry? What? I still haven’t responded to that because, well, what’s the point? Apparently, no means no until I can be persuaded otherwise.
Content with consent
Let’s delve into that a little bit, shall we? Consent. It’s something that, surprisingly enough is always required for any type of sexual activity, and yet this only seems to be seeping into public consciousness now. When I say any kind of sexual activity, that’s precisely what I mean. Alright, some of you may now understand that consent for intercourse can’t be granted if your intended partner is unconscious or inebriated. Congratulations.
Are you aware, though, that before you send a stranger on the internet a picture of your disgusting penis, you should obtain consent? And further to that, if the intended recipient doesn’t consent to seeing it, you shouldn’t send it?
Do you know that consent isn’t something you can gain by wearing someone down? Do you really want someone to engage with you, in person or virtually, with a , “Fine, whatever”, rather than an enthusiastic, “Yes, that sounds great!”? Even the implication of sexual intimacy shouldn’t be taken so lightly as to belligerently be the conversational aggressor. If someone isn’t interested, stop trying to persuade them otherwise.
These micro-aggressions make up significant parts of our lived experience. They aren’t one-offs, for the most part. Cumulative micro-aggression, unchecked, is harmful.
We’re for, not against
I’ll jump back slightly to an earlier point about male victims of abuse. By outlining our experiences, we aren’t ignoring them. We’re including them. As I said, it’s great that you understand how difficult it is for men to come forward about that sort of thing. It’s hard for women, too, even though there are more of us.
Feminism isn’t about erasing male voices. Feminism isn’t a dirty word, and actually, by attempting to dismantle inherent patriarchal structures we’re trying to help you, as well. Toxic masculinity – the expectations of masculinity that erase any type of fragility or other human conditions – is as much a part of patriarchy as the oppression of women.
Renegotiating the status quo and outdated gender expectations isn’t a radical uprising intended to usurp you. It’s about the betterment of everyone.
I’m not writing this with the intent to upset anyone, although I’m sure it will. I’m writing it, actually, because of recent experiences I’ve heard of or been through myself. I don’t need to have heard these experiences to know that they’re a problem. I don’t need to have experienced abuse myself to know it’s a problem.
An easier context
Consistently, men abuse their power, in whatever context it may be, to get what they want with no regard for the feelings of anyone else. A great way to help you understand what we mean is to consider your own actions and words in the context of women you know.
How would you feel if someone sent a picture of their genitals, entirely unsolicited, to your daughter, your sister, your mum? It’s out of order, right? What about that weirdly persistent guy at the bar who’s hounding your women friends? It’s not pleasant to watch, is it?
Framing your understanding of womens’ experiences and feminism solely by a woman’s relationship to you is actually a pretty poor start, but it works. You shouldn’t have to know a woman to understand that being treated a certain way is at best unpleasant and at worst, dangerous.
We shouldn’t need to be related or known to you for you to understand appropriate behavioural boundaries. By now, you should be able to understand that even if you’ve never met a woman in your life.
But you don’t. So we keep telling you, hoping it’ll sink it.
Wait, there’s more?
Always. This is a tiny tip of the iceberg. Are you shocked? Surprised? Compared to a lot of women, my experiences of harassment are there, sure, but they could have been worse. I could have been killed or assaulted. Instead I survived unharmed. Of course there are more stories than I’ve shared here, my own and countless others.
Worldwide, there are dangerous, harmful practices, regulations, and acts that marginalise, harm, and kill women every day. Female genital mutilation. Using rape as a weapon of war. Refusing women rights to vote, drive, leave their homes unsupervised. If you can’t deal with us pointing out your behaviour, how can you help us counteract systematic and violent oppression all over the world?
If this has made you open your eyes, good. If it’s made you recoil and stutter about how much of a nice guy you are – stop. Just stop. Read it again. Listen to us, and know we aren’t (always) attacking you personally. If you’re asked not to do or say something by a woman, listen. If we’ve called you out, say sorry, and learn from it. Stop trying to defend yourselves, to change the narrative in your favour once more.
The story isn’t over, but your chapter is way, way too long. We don’t want to get rid of you or overrule you. We want to be able to live our lives the way you do – without fear, looking over our shoulders, or being subjected to abuse.
Thanks for listening, if you did. Don’t turn your back or forget what you read. Go and read some more. We’re always capable of learning of change. Don’t be resistant to that. You might be surprised how good it feels.
Just wow. This is an amazing post honey!
Thank you so much!!
That is such a scary state to have to live in. I can’t say I will ever understand what it feels like to have so much sexual attraction that everyman who lays eyes on you instantly get a raging erection and you are the only person who can pacify them. How do you have the will to face every day knowing that everyman in the world wants to bone you. That’s a heavy responsibility.
Alright I’ll be the dick in the room (both figurative and literal)
See the post you spent so much time with is called playing the victim. Your post is dripping with I’m a victim I can ring the victimhood mindset like a sponge in this post. You get that you are trying to be cute and sound powerful with the patronizing line of…
“Come in, come in, Sorry we’re running a little bit late. Have a seat.” Opening line like that actually proves my coming points. You do have power when it suites you. Yet in this post you try to lean on the “I’m not the only victim all women are victims.” Which in all reality is a load of bull. So let’s use a my own patronizing phrase by saying, “Buckle up buttercup”
You start the post out with how much progress is being made. Why even give that information because it is instantly dismissed. Doesn’t mean anything to you nor does it do your message any benefit. Therefore, it could have been a lot tighter of a post if you hadn’t even entered it in the first place. Oh but then big, mean disagreeing bullies like me would have a foothold in your argument. The problem with “poor me” posts, like this one, is that they can’t tell both sides of the story. You have choose a side. So there always flaws in your argument.
Next thing is you love to play with stereotypes. You of all people should know that stereotypes are wrong. I could easily spout many incorrect stereotypes about women. The Stereotype of all women is just out for money. Then there is the classic all women do is sit around and gossip. You, I, and the rest of your reader know that isn’t true. Men sit around and gossip just as much and, some would argue with proof that men gossip even more. The women are after nothing but a man’s money is also wrong. One a point, most women wants to know that the man they are married to will be able to take care of them. That is an evolutionary response, and isn’t the sole deciding factor when choosing a husband.
So remember stereotypes are bad because it again shows a victim mindset.
So let’s look at your post.
Women live in a constant fear of danger. Victims live in a constant fear of danger. The majority of women don’t walk down the street thinking that the person walking towards them has rape on his mind. I can ask any of the women in my life and I have many very emotionally and mentally strong women in my life. Has there been time that they felt scared? I am sure they Well yeah everybody can say that. I have been robbed before it is a scare situation having the barrel of a gun pressed into your kidneys. Bad things happen Victims just stay in their misery because they want people to feel sorry for them while the rest of the world gets up dusts themselves off and learns from that experience.
Privilege?
Well what can I say about that victim word right there? A lot in fact. Now I don’t know what it is like over in the UK but here in the mean ol’ USA. However, we have a bunch of College kids who just learned how to say the word Privilege, but really don’t know what it means. A privilege is earned. I can’t just walk in to somewhere and instantly get respect. Respect and privilege are earned and is reciprocal. Someone has to first give before they can receive either. People who state Male privilege or white privilege suffer are experiencing the case of The Grass is Greener.
You may have heard that phrase the grass is greener on the other side. It often turns out to be the case that it’s not. The grass is only as green as you make it. Look at the transgender folks they have the highest level of suicide because they think that the other gender is so much better. When in reality they both have flaws. So Again you will hear this theme over and over in this response, stop playing the victim. It is very unbecoming on you.
Do I think about my privilege? No, I don’t think about it. I try to treat people with respect when they “Earn it”.
“So please stop murdering raping and beating us?”
Nice! Scream that victimhood! Do women get rapes? Yes and it is horrible act that steals persons will and choice away from them. There never has ever been a dispute to that very solid fact. Yet you yet with that statement all men are rapists. All men beat the women in their lives. Then eventually we decide we want a new model and so we kill them. That is the farthest thing from the truth
The reason you were derided for saying all women is that most women don’t feel like you do. They are not a shrinking violet scared of their own shadow. That is what you sound like stomping around saying all men are big bad mean bullies that want to rape me beat me and kill me. So yeah, you were corrected for a reason. You were wrong.
No women worry about threats out in public as much as men do. There are bad people in the world but those people consist of both men and women. There are women in prison for armed robbery. Men worry about people breaking in to our houses late at night just like women. Here in The USA we are allowed to protect ourselves. Most in fly over country know how to handle a firearm and instead of being a victim, they take action. I know In the UK you can’t have a gun. Can’t even really defend yourself if an intruder comes in. Yet you don’t have to be a victim in that circumstance either. You can take self-defense courses. Learn a Martial art so that you can defend yourself until the police decide to make it over to your crisis.
You are scared of the fact that you are in a situation that you can’t control. Again but you don’t have to be a victim you can protect yourself in some way. So don’t take it personally, when a man calls you out on something
Now let’s get down the page a little bit more to the constant danger section. You say that 3.1% of women have been a victim of a sexual assault. Sadly these days I really don’t know what you definition of sexual assault is. If you are going with the college definition, it is anything from actual rape to bad sex to some even say a stolen kiss on the check is sexual assault. Which in all reality it isn’t but you playing the victim will want to say that. I define sexual assault to be rape or attempted rape. It isn’t the fact that you had buyer remorse the morning after a party.
That often falls in line with the Politics of cleavage
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPQH0U2igOY&w=640&h=360]
Anyhow, I am straying from my point. Statistics are interesting you have 3.1% of women have been sexually assaulted. That means that 96.9% of all women in the UK haven’t. Now yes rape is bad it should never ever happen and sadly it does but it doesn’t happen as much as you are making it out to be. Then if you go with the more shocking maybe, 20% have been assaulted that is still 80% who hasn’t.
Yes, it must be men there are no other possibilities. Then the who decentering the argument from women, let’s not detract from your point that all men are out to get the fairer sex.
The friend zone is a great example of the power women have. The majority of people who are friend zone are done so because yes they don’t measure up to what you want. The same as women who are ignored by the man they desire. It happens on both sides.
Some guys don’t get the hint and they keep asking true enough. Yet, that isn’t sexual assault it may be tiresome for you but that isn’t sexual assault. There are times you have probably been told no and you persisted. It may not be from an attraction to the opposite sex but there are times you persist and often if you do, you are rewarded. You want men to see your side of the story yet you don’t care to hear outside. You want to be hears without having to listen in return. So why is there the perpetual battle of the sexes? Because someone has what the other wants.
Those guys who just send random pecker Picts are truly assholes. I will give your that there is not argument for that. They are rude and uncalled for but they do open themselves up for ridicule and guys who do are in love with their John Thomas that opens them up for great ridicule if you can stomach their reactions. The vast majority of men don’t care to send images of their junk because they realize that their twig and berries really isn’t that attractive looking. I mean come on it looks like God used some left over elbow skin for the marble bag.
I will disagree with you on the Feminism part no it’s not about erasing a voice but having a gender feel guilty that they are born a male. They should concede the natural leader that is evolutionarily introduced because they are a man. In addition, no men do not consistently abuse their power as you want to stereotypically state. Most men will gladly go out and defend the honor of the women in their lives. They do what they must do to do so but that is in your eye the patriarchy in action and must be stopped. So Too many dick Picts problem? That is because you complained about men being nice and considerate and holding a door for you. SO they have bowed out and you have only the dregs. Allow men to be men and the out of control emotionally inept and stunted males will realize that there is a standard. Yet we can’t have that standard because that is judging. Yet you right now are judging other men. Therefore, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
SO to all the women you claim to know that are biding their time until they are raped I can find more women who refuse to be a victim. There are women who have been raped and then refuse to allow that one moment of horror to define them as a person. SO they take that experience and grow from it. They become even greater women because they vow to never allow that to happen again. They aren’t victims they are survivors.
So instead of being a victim why not go out and be a real woman not a little girl who is scared of her own shadow.
If I was a shrinking violet scared of my own shadow, I probably wouldn’t have posted this. I’m not scared of men. I’m out with one right now. I’m scared of the significant and constant threat that men pose to women that women don’t to men. I’m sorry you don’t agree. I’m really not sure what you’re talking about regarding sexual attraction? Rape or sexual assault are not really about sex. It’s about power. It’s really, truly, honestly not about that. If I thought every man wanted to fuck me, I probably wouldn’t be wary of them. I’m not being a victim. I’m pointing out the reality of interactions with men. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Don’t bother disagreeing with me. Next time you look a man in the eye and wonder ‘Does this man pose a threat to me?’, then you can come back and have a say.
@relaxedmale did you come out of your mother a cunt or was it a behaviour you learned over time? Since you seemingly are confused about what the definition of sexual assault is, let me educate you:
“Sexual assault is any type of sexual activity or contact that you do not consent to. Sexual assault can happen through physical force or threats of force or if the attacker gave the victim drugs or alcohol as part of the assault. Sexual assault includes rape and sexual coercion.”
You basically complain about a lot of waffle above, but mainly that the author is “playing the victim” and that she is making out that the majority of men are like this. Yet you are doing the exact same, tarring her and other women with the same brush.
Exhibit A: “That is because you complained about men being nice and considerate and holding a door for you. SO they have bowed out and you have only the dregs.”
So let me get this straight, because YOU think women no longer want chivalry and want equality that it’s okay for men to talk to women like shit? On top of them sending pictures of their disgusting phalli/phalluses when no one wants to see that.
Exhibit B: “Allow men to be men and the out of control emotionally inept and stunted males will realize that there is a standard. Yet we can’t have that standard because that is judging.”
Definition of a man (Merriam-Webster Dictionary saving the day)
1a(1) : an individual human
especially : an adult male human
(2) : a man belonging to a particular category (as by birth, residence, membership, or occupation) —usually used in combination
councilman
(3) : HUSBAND
I now pronounce you man and wife.
(4) : LOVER
He was her man.
b : the human race : HUMANKIND
the history of man
c : a bipedal primate mammal (Homo sapiens) that is anatomically related to the great apes but distinguished especially by notable development of the brain with a resultant capacity for articulate (see ARTICULATE entry 1 sense 1a) speech and abstract reasoning, and is the sole living representative of the hominid family
broadly : any living or extinct hominid
d(1) : one possessing in high degree the qualities considered distinctive of manhood (such as courage, strength, and vigor)
(2) obsolete : the quality or state of being manly : MANLINESS
e : FELLOW, CHAP —used as mode of familiar address
f —used interjectionally to express intensity of feeling
man, what a game
I’m assuming you’re referring to part C, at least that’s what I get from reading your apeshit comment. For ease of reference:
“C – a bipedal primate mammal (Homo sapiens) that is anatomically related to the great apes but distinguished especially by notable development of the brain with a resultant capacity for articulate (see ARTICULATE entry 1 sense 1a) speech and abstract reasoning, and is the sole living representative of the hominid family
broadly : any living or extinct hominid”
Real men don’t leave essays fit for the bin on someone’s blog post.
Thank you for proving my point
@therelaxedmale
No one really knows what your point actually was as all you did was waffle enough for an A4 page. However, you’re very welcome apeman.
Thank you so much for writing this, all of this needs to be read by every guy out there and understood. I don’t think there’s anything I can add other than to keep saying thank you for writing this.
Thank you so much, Peter. For everything, always.
I only wish I could have written this! There are so many factors that play into this power play of sexualization and assault of women (not being reported for fear of not being believed, being a “good” girl, dealing with this crap constantly) and so few people who actually really articulate it well.
The first time I recall being catcalled was when I was 13. I remember Dads driving me home from babysitting jobs and putting their hands on my knee to see how I’d react. I see the older guys at the end of the pool during water aerobics checking out all the bouncing lady bits. It truly is an ongoing assault and it’s ugly – even uglier when people try to justify it.
Thank you – for writing this, for putting some humor in, for being frank about what you know and have experienced.
YES QUEEN!! I’ve been sending this post to my friends all morning, but forgot I hadn’t commented (DUH). So proud of you for writing this and 100% you have hit the nail on the head with everything you’ve said.
Argh thank you girl, you’re the best xx
Damn right!